#podcast4change #4change – Richard Radstone

Day 577: I’m Flipping Out

March 26, 2023 by Richard Radstone

LISTEN TO THE STORY AND INVITE

TRANSCRIPT
Cabin fever—Yup, It’s a real thing. And with more snow and cold today, I really think I’m losing it. Especially after my wife comes to me and says, “I have no idea what you were trying to say in your post yesterday.” Was it asking for stories or what? And she’s way smarter than me.

Okay, I submit, I tried too hard to be poetic and intellectual. But the fact is, I’m staring at walls and circling in my own thoughts. Brilliant as they might be.

But kidding aside, here’s the clarified ask: I’d love to share your stories, so send me an email if your interested in chatting. Or if not that, check the reach outs and send in a photo. There a pretty easy way to express your outlook or to just help us better understand the cultures where we each live.

Sigh… The big snowflakes are coming down—I guess it’s time to scrape off the porch… send your stuff in now!

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Day 575: Toward The Constant

March 24, 2023 by Richard Radstone

I’m feeling poetic and romantic this day, and rightly so, for as the snow falls outside, and wearing my favorite turtleneck sweater, I cozy up to my keyboard—and in honoring the theme of this month, I reflect on a very personal topic: Motherhood. I turn within as I continue to ponder my big why.

Play The Story

TRANSCRIPT
I’m feeling poetic and romantic this day, and rightly so, for as the snow falls outside, and wearing my favorite turtleneck sweater, I cozy up to my keyboard.

And in honoring the theme of this month, I reflect on a very personal topic: Motherhood. I turn within as I continue to ponder my big why.

Often I speak of vulnerability. Reference the value we each have as the individuals we are. Thoughts that, as I struggle with what to say in this narrative, prompt me to reflect on the 1000s of strangers I now call friends. Inspired to think about the last decade and the diversity of opinions, revealed histories, and heartfelt moments that have been trusted to me… And yes… beyond humbled I am.

I think of the attacks I’ve bore regarding my beliefs, my observations, and at times, my very existence. But even in those, I see a catalyst to not just better understanding myself; but more importantly, to better understand those who have expressed vengeance toward me.

You see, we are all a most imperfect species… and although highly intelligent, able to express emotions at their fullest, and gifted with the power to reason, why is it that somehow we still find ways to diminish our own worth, or to point the finger.

Yet, in it all can be found one unavoidable constant that began us: The fact we were all born from a bleeding womb, and passing out of it, we all took the first breath of living our lives.

Then comes all the stuff. The seeking the perfect place, moment, or that craved acceptance for who we are. And to that, mix in a little society, some long-developed culture, and the spice of religion—and before we know it, we can easily feel as if… we don’t measure up. The mirror of our own reflection pixelated as we spend our lifetimes working to tighten the spaces. Our whys, when’s, and who’s shifting in and out of focus as we make both good and terrible choices.

Yet back to the constant, I’m pulled—and no matter what angle I look at it from, or how I deal with my own junk—she is always dead center and there: The mother who birthed me, and in that, a first breath I can’t remember.

We add our God… our views of where we are going… our needs in how we live, and the sugar on top, the whys we seek. We explore the meaning of faith and as we do, we quest— feel ecstasy and agony as we process whispers from inside and out.

The whys morph to who’s, hows, what’s, and when’s. Yet, in reality, we are all on a similar journey. Traveling to an end where we desire an ultimate peace— the knowledge that our existence mattered.

And yes, again, the first breath inhales… as with eyes closing and hearts questioning… we transition. The gates to that resting place closer as we lean into the face of why we were here.

And Once more… yes: This human walk is indeed a beautiful thing. A gift we have each received—regardless of our outlook, our attraction, our race, religion, or culture.

In the center of it all, she sits. The conceiver who brought us into this complex world, the mothers who carried us.

Out of her body, we emerged, and whether her choices were good or bad in how she nurtured, we must honor the gift she has bestowed on us…

…The snow banks are depending, as inside a warm home, I take refuge. My own 97-year-old mother upstairs, as dementia and bedridden, and myself still working to resolve my upbringing, I shed a tear. For imperfect she was… and still is. But as I lift her 75 pounds to the wheelchair that moves her, and to all of us looking at the mothers who made us, a closing set of thoughts come to my heart. Perhaps reflections we can each apply to the persons we are becoming: Simply… Thank you mom… or if strangled by injustices of the past, a most powerful healer: Forgiveness.

So it is to the women and mothers of the world, I take pause. And as I do, may we all do the same as we unite in a shared tribute, for without you, we would not exist.

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Day 573: Your Authentic Self

March 23, 2023March 22, 2023 by Richard Radstone

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“One of the most interesting things for me about growing up—was becoming a mother...”

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So here I am, sitting at my desk, reviewing tasks completed and those I still have to do. Perhaps, a ritual we all do as our lives, work, and play expand and contract. Sometimes we end days on highs, and others, not so much. Yet in each, and if looked at optimistically, lessons are learned as we consider our futures and contemplate our big whys.

Why the sentimental intro? You might ask. Well, I re-learned another lesson today—one that directly links to the very reasoning behind why I do my part in growing our community.

An inventory that prompts me to flashback to the wisdom of a stranger-now-friend I met years ago, but her message still lives in my heart.

And similar to this days ending, my meeting her started from a place like where I sit now. Here is the account in retrospect:

5:00 pm: I peeled myself from my desk, redirected by a nagging subconscious away from what I perceived as the day’s priorities. You know, those quiet thoughts that dwell in the background of what we agonize as our have-to-do’s.

5:15 pm: The little voice in my mind has directed me to Warner Park. I’ve been here before, and have even made a few friends here. But today’s whisper feels more direct than ever. If there is one thing the project has taught me, it is to acknowledge that little thing we call intuition. We all have it, but the question to ask ourselves is, do we follow it?

5:20 pm: I park the car, and as I do, I notice two women walking towards me on the sidewalk. Something pushes me to approach them. Okay, this could be a creepy guy moment. I ready myself for rejection. For to ignore my first impression would only leave me questioning my motives. You see, I have promised myself (and you) that I will not profile whom I approach. Pledged to raise my chin to the world and reach out to all I lock eyes with.

5:21’sh pm: With business card in hand, Hi, I’m Richard… I’m a photographer and filmmaker—I explain my blog project.

I’m stopped mid-sentence as Roshan and her friend shut me down, “We know you!”

I’m shocked and a little worried. You do! I wobble.

“Yea, a while back you interviewed my friends (Project-365 Day 93 / “The Trail Is Our Therapy”). Remember them. You met them on the hiking trail at the top of Victory.”

Wow! Yes, I totally remember them. Great couple. Loved talking with them.

We open a conversation.

That lesson I spoke of earlier: That listening to our intuition thing. Perhaps the more we practice hearing it, the more in tune we can become with the world around us. A premise that today is being proven by Roshan and her friend. For in a city of millions, it is possible for the paths of strangers to unite on common, maybe even inspired ground. The skeptics might lean on premises like six degrees of separation or other similar theories. But for me, the idea is much simpler—Just trust what you feel, and if inspired by the whispers of your heart, simply have the courage to speak with each other in the face-to-face world. I’ll leave it at that.

Talk tomorrow my good friends—and Roshan… your words have smitten us,

Richard

Day 572: More Than Forensics

March 20, 2023 by Richard Radstone

The world needs more women leaders, who not only can lead but have the strength to look beyond the external.

I’m sitting here waterlogged—rained in, and landlocked in the Utah rurals. To be exposed, feeling somewhat frustrated by isolation brought on as I look at soaked windows and a clock striking 4:52 P.M.

You see, It’s not an easy thing meeting strangers in my new neck of the woods. The streets are sparse in on the cold days. So I write this entry as a journaled attempt to throw my invite at the source beyond myself. Not knowing if my fingers on the keyboard, in some strange way, will direct me to tell the story of today’s why.

I’m staring at the screen now, locked as I passively rifle through my Facebook friends and contact list. Even tossed a couple of LinkedIn connections in looking for anyone who would last-minute speak with me. But so far, it’s all dead ends… Sigh!

5:06— family dinner in 30 minutes, and with my daughter home, one I’d like to be part of—for as I expected in committing to this challenge, my personal time is becoming so very limited.

I’ll look at my contact list again…

My Buddy Matt calls. He tells me about a friend of his with a story to share—a definite stranger to me, but not for today. We begin small talking… my phone rings:

5:25 P.M

A stranger of the past and a person I’ve not spoken to for years: Ph. D of Psychology, Forensic Psychologist, and three-time author, Dr. Susan Ashley. And as she grabs her food order at In-and-Out, we set up a time to chat. Friends, please stand by…

8:23 P.M

Wow! 45 minutes of deeply rewarding conversation—way too much to write as this evening comes to an end. So in respect to Susan and you, I’ll be sharing a full release of the topics we covered tomorrow.

But as a teaser, I’ll share this highlight: The world needs more women leaders, who not only can lead but have the strength to look beyond the external.

We’ll address the whys in the next post.

Dear Susan, thank you for listening to the silent voice.

Talk tomorrow my good friends,

Richard

Day 571: Extinguished

March 19, 2023 by Richard Radstone

I could have lashed out. Chested up with a set of you’re wrongs, or perhaps have shut him off by leaving the scene. But as I looked at him, it was apparent he was living a troubled life. So, I asked more about him.

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Day 570: Hold On

March 18, 2023 by Richard Radstone

A spokesperson for the gifts we each have to offer, Musical Artist Brooke White defines a word that can resolve the pains we bear…

LISTEN

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Day 567: Eat More Sugar

March 15, 2023 by Richard Radstone

“When you look at the impact people have had on you, whether it's a stranger, or a friend, or family member, especially—like—at funerals... It's a really great time to reflect and think of how that person lived, and all the little things: It just matters.”

After 15 years of neglecting my muscles, I’ve finally done it—committed to hitting the weight room. I admit, not a fun proposition at first. But after looking at a few dated photos, remembering my pumped-up thirties, and imagining the rush of a past where I pushed 65s on the flys, I submit to the less than 30 pounds I can now swing.

So here I am, taking my between-set breaths while looking at the ceiling fans—doing all I can to honor proper gym etiquette:

Be friendly in appearance, manage the B.O., disinfect wipe what you’ve used, and by all means, hold the chatter down. For if you are not careful, you can quickly become that creepy person. Especially if you approach the opposite sex.

I finish my third set. Test my (to be transparent) now flabby abs as I sit up to rack the dumbells. But before I stand I notice her. With perfect form and working to the right of me, earbuds in place, she focuses on her arms. I glance away. There is no way I want to be profiled as the creepy dude by seeming like I’m staring.

Yet, I could not ignore the feeling, nor the draw, that was overwhelming me. There was just something radiating from her. And leaning back into the process of learning to trust the little voice inside me, and from the safe distance of where I lifted, I listened.

Excuse me and please forgive me. I hope I don’t sound like the gym weirdo I introduce myself. She allows me to share a quick description of RadstoneBLOG and Sidewalk Ghosts. And I have to tell you, with a room full of exercising people, and knowing the space-invading risk I was taking, I was shaking inside.

Her eyes became alive, a confirmation of the trust I placed in the whisper that asked me to reach out to her. And as you read on in receiving the gift of meeting today’s stranger-now-friend, Julie, I hope and pray you are strengthened by what she teaches.

I ask her the big why: If you look at your life or the world around us—at everything that’s going on for better or worse? However you want to answer, and in your perspective? Positive or negative? Whatever you feel is okay to share. What is your why?

“Because it matters. I think that for every individual—because they have a purpose on this earth, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a grand scale where you see people with millions of followers, or if they have a multimillion-dollar business, or it’s the sweet neighbor next door that gives you a smile when you’re walking your dog. It all matters, and we’re all connected.

And I think it’s easy to kind of downplay our individual impact on others. But when you look at the impact people have had on you, whether it’s a stranger, or a friend, or family member, especially—like—at funerals… it’s a really great time to reflect and think of how that person lived, and all the little things: It just matters.

As long as you can hold on to that, you’ll find either a deeper why for now or the beginnings of finding the why that keeps you going. The stuff that gets you up in the morning and points you away from doing the mundane things. Because you know, it’s all serving the greater purpose for humanity.”

I’m bewildered. The pull I felt in first seeing her confirmed by the wisdom and power of her why.

She tells me more of her life story:

“I struggled with depression. I struggled with an eating disorder for 20 years. And I felt like I didn’t matter! It didn’t matter!”

“I didn’t feel that way for a long time. I struggled with depression. I struggled with an eating disorder for 20 years. And I felt like I didn’t matter! It didn’t matter!

I felt like I had to do something big and grand to matter. And as I did my own healing, I came back to myself and asked, do I like myself? Do I love myself? Am I happy with what I’m doing?

I found the answer that we each are special unique individuals, and we all have a purpose. And coming back to who you are, and what’s right for you, does impact others in the way it’s supposed to. And as soon as you get out of you’re trying to please everybody, or doing what so-and-so says, or mimicking so-and-so, you lose your impact, or you’re limiting someone else’s impact.

Every person has a unique special gift or talent. And coming back to that thought, and using it, just made me happy. It made me realize that I do have a purpose. And whether it’s with my family or strangers, I feel like I’m in contact with who I am and why I do what I do. And that’s enough to make me happy.”

I upscale the question as, looking at the fitness community that surrounded us, a premise enters my mind:

When I think about external beauty and body perfection, I question if beauty and attraction are external. A thought that troubles me as I reflect on what often I see on social media, take in peer pressure, navigate the gossip, deal with comparisons, and to be vulnerable, look at my hidden insecurities.

What is your take on this statement? I ask her.

“Yeah, absolutely,” her posture and spirit alive, Julie leans forward. “I’ve been there. I had a time when my focus was all esthetics and it was crushing my soul. I was nonstop thinking about my body, myself, and how other people perceive me. I was miserable. But as soon as I turned inward and started working on the inside-stuff-out, and not the outside-stuff-in, my life came together. It really works that way, and I think it helps the comparison and the competition go away.

You’re less judgmental, you’re more compassionate, you’re more patient, more understanding, and you look at others like they have their own unique gifts. That they have their own unique struggles.

We’re all in this human experience, and you don’t have to agree on everything. You don’t have to be the same for you—and you don’t have to be the same to have a connection with someone else.”

Like I said, Julie has a lot to teach us. Her outlook all so optimistic—and grounded by the depression and body shaming of her past, I feel she has the credentials to offer her opinions. Yet, I have to ask the hard question:

Julie, what do you do when you look at someone who is horribly hurting, have to deal with the pain that someone else has inflicted on you, or process events that are impossible to find a resolution for?

“Well, I definitely have those experiences and I don’t think it’s easy. And I don’t know that there’s one way to do it for me. I’ve done a lot of Buddhist philosophy, and it’s helped me kind of let go of attachment to things. It’s helped me just be, and it helped me to accept the fact that sometimes we’re not going to get the apology we want. But I’m not going to let that affect the rest of my life.

You know, I can wish that person the best, understand that they’re only capable of giving me what they have learned. And that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, or it’s not hard. But it does help to let go of the hatred and release the hold that makes you want them to see what they did to you. And it gives you permission to just let them go—let them be—and to focus on the things that bring joy and happiness. To just accept that was a situation you can learn from. And that you can let it go and move on.”

I shift gears. Put the responsibility on us in making an observation. The idea that, in every interaction, we are leaving a footprint. For better or worse, our words and deeds do affect others. And heaven knows, I’ve put my foot in my mouth so very many times. So to any of you I’ve offended—please accept my apology. And per how real those interactions are, Julie shares a story.

“‘My oldest daughter has autism, and we go to church every Sunday, and it was just exhausting and awful. I go to church to feel better and connected to community and God. And I was not feeling that at all. I got to a point where I’m, like, I’m done, I’m not coming. And I was out in the hallway with her and a lady came up and said, ‘Oh, I love your daughter, would you mind if I take her on a walk while you go back to class?’ And I was just floored. I’m like, You would do that for me? ‘Oh, yes.’ And so she did that every Sunday. That was something she wanted to do to serve me. And it made all the difference in my spiritual growth and my belief in the goodness of people.

Knowing I can do this, I can raise her. I have a community. I have people who care, and who will reach out, and I don’t have to do it alone. So it’s just those simple things. Whether it’s a smile or an offering to serve someone else, you never know the impact to have. And that’s cool.'”

“To women, please give yourself that same compassion and grace that people will love you for who you are. You don’t have to hold who you are back. And that’s okay!”

I have one last ask for Julie. In support of International Women’s History Month, is there anything you would say to the women of the world?

“So my first thought is to go to what I do for a living as a personal trainer. I see so many women not living their full potential because of the way their body looks. Spending so much mental energy on counting calories and what do I weigh? Or I can’t go to this? Or I can’t speak at this? I can’t reenroll in school! I can’t go for this promotion until I lose weight!

I wonder if cancer could have been cured because a woman wasn’t focused on all of that. All the things that women are capable of. But our culture kind of holds us back where you’re supposed to be skinny and pretty… not too skinny and pretty… you know… just right.

I guess my advice would be: Don’t wait! Don’t wait for whatever you think weight loss, or body, is going to give you. You already have that within you. Go for the dream! Go for whatever you’re being pulled towards, and don’t let what others are thinking about your body stop you! Because that is not who you are! That’s not the purpose of your body. And that’s not why you’re here!

I’ll always say to prioritize internal over external. Prioritize how you feel. Even just with the simple things like your workouts and how you eat. If you’re focused on how you feel, the external will take care of itself. Your body has a natural weight. It has natural things that will settle if you create a lifestyle that you’re happy with, and that you’re good with that understanding. Again, why?

Why have a body? Bodies change? Right? So if you’re super focused on trying to look 20 for the rest of your life, you’re missing out on all the amazing experiences that come when you’re 50, 60, or 70. Because you feel like something’s wrong with you for aging. But that’s just a natural thing.

Think of the people you love: I love my mom, and I don’t care what she weighs, or what I see. I love her because of how I feel about her and the things she does. So to women, please give yourself that same compassion and grace that people will love you for who you are. You don’t have to hold who you are back. And that’s okay!”

I sit taking in all that Julie has shared. Quietly, and in the background, look at my own demons, joys, experience, and vices. And as we wrap our time together, I am compelled by a comical yet truly relevant jest that pops to mind.

You see, my vice is sugar. I’m completely addicted! Seriously, my body, energy, and sleep are all screwed up because of it. But here is the twist. Just as sugar is all around us, and for me even toxic, could the example of its pull be reformatted? Turned to a relevant and compassionate call to action?

A motivation to view the world in terms of sugar consumption as we live out both the best and worst of what it deals to us. Yet, in viewing this sweetener as a metaphor for life, perhaps the end result will not be weight gain or sickness. But rather, the knowledge of how far the fullness of our experiences, our inner selves, and our dreams can reach. And in that, the strength and wisdom that can grow by simply taking it all in.

Julie, thank you for excepting my weight room reach out, and for the all-so-welcomed confirmation of how we should be loving ourselves.

Talk tomorrow my good friends,

Richard

Day 565: The Task She Asks

March 13, 2023 by Richard Radstone

"I think we're getting to a place where anything goes and when it comes to morality, no one really has their own values that they follow. People are being tossed and turned any way and going with it. And if you don't know your truth—your own personal truth—I think there will always be chaos.”

In my continued goal of celebrating the stories of women, let me introduce you to Afua. A person bold in personality who I feel graced to have known for almost two years. And if you are a Sidewalk Ghosts podcast follower, you may even recognize her name—the story of her first living breaths is quite remarkable. And today in spending only a short thirty minutes of Zoom time together, she has once again jumped deep into the pool of trust.

“The question to ask is where your constant is turned,” Afua positions. “I think we’re getting to a place where anything goes and when it comes to morality, no one really has their own values that they follow. People are being tossed and turned any way and going with it. And if you don’t know your truth—your own personal truth—I think there will always be chaos. And I think the more that we live in a society where there’s no values, I think we’re in trouble.

So, when you ask why, I think we’ve got to get back to finding that truth. People say we don’t need a God, we don’t need religion. But whether you believe or not; it does give you that compass, doesn’t it? As to do unto others as you would have done to you. But if you throw all of that out, what do you have?”

In all that she does—and in the very way she views the world—Afua lives in union with a God she knows loves her. A God that has the right to be the final judge of all of our thoughts and actions. A conversation point that prompts me to review my spiritual grounding. To again reflect on the God I know, and in that, to process the ultimate of all considerations, who knows the fullest truth when it comes to evaluating the worth of a person. Or more overwhelming, the credentials to pass final judgment on that person.

In my opinion, take it or leave it: It is not our job to be the ultimate judge of others. However, in this living experience we are all sharing, it would be condescending and immature of me to state we have no authority to judge. The reality is that every day we have to make judgment calls. Be free to accept or deny the truths that others lean into, and as we do, hold true to the decisions and opinions that drive the persons we are. And most difficult, to feel correct in the actions and conclusions we live forward regarding others. And in accepting our responsibilities as part of the community human, the question to ask ourselves is this” Am I making judgment calls, or am I appointing myself as executioner?

Afua grabs the topic:

“‘Sometimes I feel like people are saying, ‘you’re judging me,’ and I’m like, no, I’m not judging you. This is what I believe. Irrespective of what you believe, or how you behave, or who you are. I still have a right to say how I feel. And I feel that sometimes that’s being shut down because it doesn’t correspond with what they want or their behavior—Right?—And sometimes I think it’s the way things are happening right now. It’s easier to just let go. Anything goes. Why have values? Why have a moral standing for something you know blatantly will not serve you or your truth? To say, well, I’ll accommodate and tolerate everything that goes against the grain of what I believe in. And then, to say let’s just go with the flow.”

She talks about being a recent transplant to Florida. “One thing I love about being here in Florida is it’s been enlightening. I mean, people here stand for what they believe in and are able to have a conversation without someone saying they’re horrified by my ideology. You’re having a conversation like we used to, and you can say whatever you want as long as it’s not harming anyone. I’m beginning to feel safe to say, these are my views. My opinions. They’re yours, and we agree to disagree and walk away. It’s fine. See you next week. When that starts breaking down to always having to say yes to you, and you can’t hear what I’m saying, I think that’s a problem. The problem happening now.”

Afua’s words inspire me. So again I ask…why?

“I don’t think people are standing in that truth. Because it’s easier to not rock any boats. Where’s the John the Baptist? Where’s the Joan of Arc? Where’s the Martin Luther King? Why did they do what they did… because no one else would stand up and do it.

Why do I say what I say? I can tell you it’s because I want to continue to expand. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who are doing what everyone else is doing, or around people who do not know why they are doing what they are doing. I want my energy to continue.”

Afua challenges us. “Have we created a society where we don’t allow one another to speak our truth? You know, there’s a narrative that we follow for whatever reason, and we’ve forgotten our soul. Edifying our soul, even if you’re married. But as the individuals we are, are we doing that? I’m not saying go around sleeping with people. I’m saying that you need to edify yourself to arrive at a place where you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re like, Wow! I’m doing all right, or I’m not doing all right—and you need to take the time to find that.”

How do you do that Afua?

She returns to the why.

“Why do we do what we do? I think our surroundings and our environments push us to do certain things that we wouldn’t otherwise do. If you stand for what you believe in, and that’s hard to do—you can feel very much alone. People love community and no one wants to stand alone.”

Afua, you have wowed us with your honesty and energy. Your views on morality, compassion, spirituality, and character are all inspiring. And you’re challenging us to become better listeners in the building of our communities, well, that is a task I hope we can all share.

Talk tomorrow my good friends,

Richard