Never Judge A Man By His Looks?

From the archives of Project 365

Day Of The Dead, Dia De Los Muertos: A holiday focused on praying for, and remembering, friends and family members who have died. It’s a big deal in Mexican culture and a huge day of celebration.

It was on that particular day I decided to explore a busy festivity in my nearby Canoga Park. Six city blocks of food, music, and street vendors, that regardless of sporadic rain, ware overrun with a multitude of people, many covered in costume and face paint. From partying groups to calm families, and everything in between, they all congregated. Each a potential prospect to interview, but for some reason, I was not drawn to approach anyone. It was very strange to be in a place with so many people, and yet, not pulled to a single person. I looped the neighborhood several times, no one was I inspired to reach out to. My ears were beginning to ring from the volume of the stage band performing. A full volume deluge flying over my shoulder, I readied to find a new path. But as quick as I made that decision my stride was broken as I was drawn to a man of great stature. Wandering beneath the blast of loudspeakers, I invited him to be interviewed. At first, he was not interested, but as his wife, who standing by his side encouraged him, he embarrassingly accepted.

IMG_0109The music was screaming, which made it very difficult for us to communicate. We dug into our voice boxes to raise our volume and managed to exchange a few words. My new friend Wence was another fellow photographer (two days in a row I had spoken to other shooters). Made me think about the Gestalt conversation with Matthew only a few days earlier.

It was growing uncomfortably loud, a distraction that totally disrupted any attempt at casual conversation, so I moved right to the questions:

What words, council or wisdom do you want to share with the world?

Simple and to the point, Wence replied. “Treat everyone the way you want to be treated, and never judge a man by his looks?

Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?

“Somewhere better in making my mark in the world as an individual?”

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Initially, I viewed Wince as a huge presence, even intimidating. But as I spoke with him I came to see he was a man contrary to my indirect assessment. He was a man of sensitivity and artistic vision. But what struck me deeper was the relationship he had with his wife (she had chosen not to be photographed). She was close by his side the whole time and I could fully sense the connection they had with each other. At that moment, Wince was still the huge man I first saw, but above that shone a light I did not see at first. The light of a man of great humility, a man for whom family was priority and art was in his heart.

Wence, my brother, you taught me again, Never judge a man by his looks?

Interview over, and escaping the fall less than sporadic raindrops, we exchanged our final farewells. I retreated curbside in path back to my parked car. Then he hit me from out of view, “What’s up?”

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His name was Mat, who watching the whole exchange between Wence, his wife, and I had grown curious as to what we were doing. And to top it off, Matt was not alone. Leaning against a wall, taking in all, was his band of friends, Armando, Benny, Arnold, and Junior. Guys that, whom on any other day, most likely would have alarmed me. Thinking, who in their right mind would voluntarily stop to be surrounded by a gang of people they did not know. Especially when it looked like any singular one of them had the ability to inflict harm.

I turned the question back to Mat, are enjoying a celebration day?

Turned out that I had stumbled into a reunion of sorts. Friends, who standing outside of a local hangout, Henri’s, had gathered to catch up. The same place where only a few weeks prior I had met Nikki and a destination where San Fernando Valley dwellers had come for home-style food, drink, and evening music. It was no surprise that these ambassadors of the Valley (you’ll see why as you read on) had chosen to base themselves there on Dia De Los Muertos.

Matt took the lead in the conversation. My eyes were opened to history not only of the Valley but also of his background and determination to overcome a sketchy past. The guy had heavy roots and told me stories of the area tracing back to the early seventies. I’d seen many photographs and read countless articles about San Fernando Valley, but Matt brought them to full color, as with the eloquence of a schooled master, he gave me accounts of a troubled past. His stories were real, unpublished, and revealed the trials of a youth emerging out of unsettled streets. He openly expressed, “In seventy-eight, I was a gangster, a hoodlum. But those times are passed me now.” There was a calm in his eyes as he made this claim, and I could see he was lobbying for a better future–an ambassador proclaiming his example of how to restart life.

He brought me up-to-speed on the challenges he was facing and revealed notes about a book he was writing, its working title: Amazing Grace.

Now living in Oregon, he was enjoying a fishing vacation in California. “I come here to see my friends and to get whatever work I can find. ”He told me of his construction ability, work ethic, and of his zero desire to return to his past. Explained the walls he had to climb in overcoming a system he identified as unfair. “We go to prison to make restitution for our mistakes, to be reformed, and to be given skills to re-enter society. The problem is, with two felony convictions, and in this economy, it is almost impossible to find employment. I have no intention to return to my past life, but it is hard.” He concluded, “It is easy to rob, but the higher path is to work.”

Equally as involved with me was Matt’s buddy, Armando; better identified as a man of great smiles. Armando was a grand figure indeed. I felt a little unsure standing by his side and dwarfed by his scale, I must have appeared apprehensive. A feeling that perhaps noticed by Armando, was diminished by the welcoming handshake he greeted me with. With warmth emitted, he shared, “COME TO CANOGA PARK, IT’S A NICE COMMUNITY, WE’RE LOOKING UP!”

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With Armando, it was all about positive energy. His outgoing personality unblemished as endless faces walked by, a majority of whom looked questionably at our gathering. But no sooner than they could look away, they each received the same response from his gigantic and very real smile. A simple, “Hello,” or at times taking a stab at me, “Want your photo taken by a famous photographer?” I dismissed the ego stroke and suggested that he might have been better to offer, “Want your photo taken next to a celebrity?”

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For in my eyes, these men were celebrities. Not the kind we see on TV, but real stars of the community. Men who had firsthand knowledge of dark streets, lived lives of adversity, and had proven that in all, they had the ability to overcome. By the way, they postured themselves against the walls of Henri’s it was understandable why some might have viewed them as a threat, yet the truth was much brighter. A revelation that, as I got to know them, grew into view a significant conclusion: They were watching out for the community and, in doing so, had nothing but good intention to contribute to its growth.

I felt honored and humbled to be in their company–to have been side-by-side with honest men. So there I was, Mat and Armando firing off Valley history and you can overcome anything statements faster than I could record, and as we chatted, I was getting buried with new faces. Armando’s in command attitude was relentless, as during every moment of our time together, his smiling invitation to the world never ceased. These guys had a vast network of mates. Proven as others kept emerging from within Henri’s. Men who, admittedly, had known each other from grade school and through life’s challenges. They were too many to name and, in good conscience, I stayed clear of getting too direct with my inquiries. I did not want to push anyone too heavily for pasts details. Especially, guessing that the majority of them must have had similar histories. Not everyone was as open as Matt and Armando, so I respected there right to privacy. But one thing was noticeably evident; they were all working to better the community.

I had spent thirty minutes with Valley royalty, seen them in action with the community, watched them encourage strangers and youth as I absorbed their message. Loud and sure it was:

COME TO CANOGA PARK, IT IS A NICE COMMUNITY AND THINGS TRULY ARE LOOKING UP!

Gentlemen of growth, I salute you!

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“Is The World Better Because I Was In It?”

From the archives of Project 365

“I was young; part of the reason I have so many tattoos.”

I’ve come to know a few great boxers. All with interesting stories and background. Even past Olympic champions and pro-contenders, and at the gym where I taught cycling, there was one that always grabbed my attention. His name was Chris. At sixty years of age, he was not only lean, in condition, and a man of great character; he walked with the humility of Job. Now don’t get too hung up on Chris. We were very familiar with each other, and for that reason, he was exempt from my stranger meeting challenge. However, he did, in a vicarious way, introduce me to a man I never knew.

So there I was. Relaxing and mentally preparing for the list of things I had to get done that day. It was a moment of peace as I found a calm zone, reviewing notes for the day on my iPad. Sitting in the only chair in front of the gym space was wholly mine. Lost in thought I was when Chris’s voice merged into my thoughts. In signature form, and with his uniquely calm and vibrant accent, he was giving boxing council to one of the club’s patrons. With ring fighting a sport so far from my camp, I was taken in. Like a fly in a spider’s web, I felt trapped to hear their word. Their volume and enthusiasm were just that overwhelming. So I respectfully listened. Perhaps there were hints I could adapt to my training, yet the talk was not about exercise, it was about psychology and strategy. I was fascinated.

I did my best to give them their privacy, but I could not take my ears and eyes away from them. The conversation fast and precise, their exact words were mostly blurred by their body position. Like a seasoned coach Chris was deeply focused as, what seemed to be his student, intently took his advice. I caught myself leaning forward to hear more as their discussion started to go way over my head. Perhaps, if they were talking about endurance or cycling, I would have been on the same page. But as their topics were out of my league, I shifted to visual mode.

What struck me at first was the mass and intensity of Chris’s boxing friend. The guy was in incredible condition, and as he focused on absorbing Chris’ input, I could not help but profile. Thinking that if I approached him, I would definitely get a story on the world of prizefighting.

Their session ended. The image of the moment burned into my imagination, I simply could not let go of it. So much so, that after they separated, I searched the weight room to find that mountain of a man. Readers, please meet John.

Admittedly, I had assumed John was a professional fighter, a notion that was far from the case. He sparred for conditioning as he informed me, “At fifty I have to be careful.” I had no idea the dude was fifty. A point that further inspired me as to what can be physically accomplished with dedicated training.

Like myself, John was a photographer, but his subject matter was polar opposite to that of mine. His specialty: Adult films.

We talked about lighting and camera technique as I shared a few tips with him. Then he dropped his walls, told me, “This is not the only photography that I want to do, but I’m in the network and making a living.”

You see, John’s roots were deep in adult film, a past performer he spoke of transferable skill sets. The reason he had taken up photography? Honest and open about his past he slumped a little as he revealed a vulnerable self, “I was young; part of the reason I have so many tattoos.”

My heart was touched as his eyes watered ever so slightly. An emotion that was heartwarming had entered our interaction, and at the center of it was my new friend for the day, John.

Once again I was being instructed. Not about boxing. Nowhere near athletic consultation, stripped of judgment, and most profoundly distant from that of perceived perception of another person. For at that moment, the human connection was all so pure. I had met a man with a beating feeling human heart, and a person who had true empathy for the world around him.

Our time was very short, his girlfriend a little anxious to stay on time with their day. What I did take away was this: John was a man of emotional maturity.

He talked of accountability and not blaming others for our paths. With the clarity and articulation of an MBA, he shared thoughts of career and life. Even though he had spent many of his years in an industry that is dark to many, he did not recriminate himself and looked forward to new horizons. “I’m growing with photography and videography and am striving to expand the work I do to other areas of the profession.”

I showed John’s girlfriend some of the previous stories I had published. She was straight forward and to the point as I gave her the pitch, “For one year I am photographing one stranger a day and blogging the experience.” She skeptically asked, “Why do you want to do that?” I paused; then responded, “I’ve been in advertising for thirty years. This is a way for me to get outside of what I do and explore the world.” I went on, “and after fifty-eight days it has become part of my life. I’m not sure where it is going, but it’s attached to me. It is sort of giving back to its readers and I have to finish it.” She seemed content with the answer and was reaffirmed to my commitment to her challenge.

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In parting, John shared his words of council in the form of a self-question, “Is the world a better place because I was in it?

It’s been years since I interviewed John, yet his story is one that I have held deep in my heart. Namely his parting council, “Is the world a better place because I was in it? His answer to an outward question that I asked, and continue to ask, all I interview: “Looking ahead one to hundreds of years. As far or near as you wish to look. What do you think we should be doing today for the future ahead.”

“Is the world a better place because I was in it? His answer was, and revealing it is.

I’ll never know of John’s real inner demons or his deepest joys, but what I do know is this. John was a very good person. A man who some might reason had gotten into a questionable trade. But this is my take on it. In all we do, opportunity to uplift, even save our co-human is in front of us. So here is my fantasy. John was in the right place, at the right time, with the right perspective.

Let me elaborate. In a later story, I will be introducing an amazing woman who is in the trenches of the fight against human trafficking—an industry that sells the virtue and lives of many a child, teen, and youth into prostitution and pornography. I’m even choking a deep breath as I write this paragraph, my stomach turning at the fact.

I close my eyes, imagining (no a nightmare) of a moment where an innocent child is, against their will, being placed on a pornography set. Forced to do things that break her or him to a product to be exploited, used, destroyed, and discarded. Yet on set is a savior of sorts; a man who has the mass and heart to do something about it; to do something good, something noble, and something all so very redeeming.

“Is the world a better place because I was in it?

I sort of have a feeling that John might be the very man who saves a child that day. I tear up as I write this, thinking of the abused children and shattered families broken by a most evil trade. A multi-billion-dollar blemish prospering via the selling of human lives and souls.

For as I reflect upon the spirit of John, and per his internalized answer to an outward question, I saw a man who had baggage and triumph just as all of us do. A man who perhaps, was working in the right place at the right time. In absolute sincerity and soberness, he revealed the person who I feel he truly was. Again, “Is the world a better place because I was in it?”

“You Give and God Gives Back”

From the archives of Project 365

“America is different from Peru. Everything is easier, and there is opportunity for those who work for it, and remember to vote!”

I’ve held a little secret regarding the story of Monica and Matthew, that being as I met with them, we were not alone. As in all interviews, I’ve always waited to take photos last. Something that only takes a few minutes in keeping the pictures pure and organic. So it was as Monica, Matthew, and I were taking photos, an unknown face popped into frame. A happy, inquisitive lady, who sporting an Eat, Laugh, Love apron, was drawn to us by the repetitive bursts from my camera’s flash.

With light-hearted humor, she introduced herself, “I’m ready for my photo! ”We all laughed and were instantly smitten by her wit and openness to approach us. Her English was broken and my Spanish terrible, but we managed to unite in a few shared perspectives. She was delightful and not wanting to pass on the opportunity to better know her, and feeling crunched on time with my family sitting in the car, I asked if she would be open to being interviewed at a later date.

Her name is Betty, and I found out she was a demonstrator, and only at Ralph’s one more day that week, specifically, the following evening between 1 pm and 7 pm. We agreed to meet up and I promised to bring a translator to help us with our communication.

The next day came, 7 pm. The air was cold and very wet from a full day of rainfall. Lucky for us, Mother Nature had given us a break in the deluge, and knowing that I needed to photograph Betty outside of her workplace, I felt quite fortunate for the gift.

_L2R3829By my side was my good friend and interpreter, Dan, and with his Spanish fluent, he had happily enlisted to partner with me for the interview.

Celebrating her sixteenth year as a citizen of the United States, Betty had no hesitation in expressing her gratitude for what America had allowed her. After informing us of her relocation to America from Peru, Betty’s home country she gave thanks, “Life is good and I’m blessed;” a warm conversation starter on a cold rainy night. The weather was tiring, none of us were clock watching. But still, I could tell we needed to keep our interview short in respect to our families. A fair call seeing that it was Friday and time for all of us to be home.

I asked only one question and Betty’s wisdom exploded. I did my best to keep up, and for certain, if Dan were not with us, we would have been sunk. Dan was a man on fire, and with minimal breaks, translated words the blasted out of Betty too fast to write–another reminder to never forget my recorder again.

Betty was one hard-working woman who had great pride in her ability to work and provide. A wife and mother of four children and four grandchildren, her outlook was joyous, outgoing, and positive. Quickly I found that I had met yet another person who put friends, family, and others before themself.

“I am a good friend,” she told me, and after hearing experience after experience of what she had done for others, I wanted to be her friend too. Betty was the kind of person you could rely on. We should all be friends like her.

There we were, standing behind her husband’s truck, in the parking lot taking pictures. But isolated we were not as person after person walked by, each commenting to Betty. “Hi, Betty! Looking Good! Employee of the month!” Gestures that further cemented the person she is, and there was no doubt the community knew and appreciated her.

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“Be a good person. Be united and nice with each other without judgment and help each other. You give and God gives back,” her exact words.

I started to fully understand who Betty was and felt privileged to be in her presence.

“If you are not moving forward, you are moving backward, ”Betty advised. “Find a job, make yourself useful. A trade, a passion, whatever it is, just move forward,” further stating, “this is for everybody, but also specific to the Latino community.” A very brave statement that put her on the edge of being criticized, but in it, I could see where her heart was. Her intent was not to be critical but to extend a call to action to her community. “America is different from Peru. Everything is easier, and there is opportunity for those who work for it, and remember to vote!” She concluded.

Betty, keep up the good work, and thanks for the lessons on being good!

“That Is Them!”

From the archives of Project 365

“Hate doesn’t take you anywhere.”

7:30 pm, November 4, 2011: I was with my family and starting to sweat a little. I thought, “here comes a late-nighter” as I tried to find a new friend to interview. We’d been to Home Depot, Target, and Ralph’s grocery store, followed by a bit of drive-by wandering of a few other local retail businesses, and even after attempting to force a few conversations, not a person was interested.

Submitting to the evening, I readied these words for my wife, “Can you and Colette get to sleep without me tonight, I’m going to have to go on a drive.” They were behind me, yet still, they worried I was going to get myself killed by walking into a stupid situation on my own. The Hawaii hostel experience had become a Radstone household legend and fuel for continued “Richard, watch you’re back!” reminders from wife and daughter. Especially when I hit the streets of night on my own.

So there I was, cruising parking lots as I submitted to my fate. A long night of driving from place to place, I accepted two things that seemed destined to come: Zero sleep and the watch you’re back council.

So I just drove, tired and a little disassociated, when no joking, and within seconds asking an inner prayer for help, crossing right in front of my car passed two people: Visual Effects and Motion Graphics students Matthew and Monica. The voice rang out! “That is them!”

Quickly, I drove to the top of the parking lot, doing my best not to become a stalker by chasing them down in my car. That would have been way creepy. I pulled into a parking spot at the end of a row, grabbed my camera bag, and set afoot course to where they were loading groceries into their car. They caught sight of me. I threw the interview invite and it was instantly apparent that we were all where we were supposed to be at that particular moment. At least that was my take. We’ll see if you agree as you read on.

They called each other kids, so I am taking license to do the same. Yet the words they shared were not that of children, but brave and dedicated young adults who had quite a bit of life experience, especially Matthew. At one point in the interview, Monica even diverted to him to further share his story. We’ll get to that in a second.

_L2R3774Monica was absolutely delightful. I could tell she was the catalyst of laughter between the two of them. They seemed soul matched, lead me to ask if they were significant others? With warm hugs to each other, they responded, “No, just friends.”

There were only two words necessary to fully describe Monica, “Free Spirit.” She cracked me up with her forecast of where she would be in ten years, “I’ll have no house, I’ll have no stability and will be traveling and meeting crazy people. Routine and all that crap annoy me.”

Her words of advice, “Just do it; there is nothing stopping you at all.” I asked, “Sounds like you have a lot of life experience?” I could see in her eyes that she wanted to share some of her life, and I could tell that she had a thing or two to say. But she shifted to a humbler tone and redirected the question to Matthew. There was a very warm connection between these kids that touched me, and I quickly found out why. Matthew stepped right up, “I have no problem sharing my history.”

l2r3787“I was diagnosed with  HIV one year ago.” Monica quieted and kept her eyes focused on Matthew; I could tell she admired him and was inspired by his strength and maturity. It was at that exact moment I knew why we were together: Matthew had council for us all, and his words needed to be published.

He told me of his growth in accepting this life-changing illness and of his experience with a very materialistic roommate, both issues he faced in tandem. His take away:

“Don’t regret anything, everything has a lesson.”
“Hate doesn’t take you anywhere.”

“All you can do is look at the good, that will drive you forward in life.”
“Tell the truth. You can’t live with secrets, they always catch up with you.”

Matthew was intoxicating as I noted his council. It was apparent that he knew what he was talking about and desired to help others with his words. And by the look in Monica’s eyes, I knew why they were friends. He grounded her and she pushed him. These friends were meant to be.

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We resumed our group discussion in shifting the subject back to why we met that evening, and after Matthew bore his history, we all seemed to know why.

The topic expanded to religion as Matthew expressed his interest in studying it. A three-way dialogue began and we all agreed there was much good in many religions. Our conclusion, it is about honoring one another, acceptance of a higher power, and striving for self-mastery in doing the right thing. Highlighting the worth of a soul and of its eternal progression. Heavy concepts, but the air was light and the conversation united.

Readers, I’m telling you, I don’t direct these meetings or force the topics. They just happen, and I’m convinced it’s not by chance.

Speaking of chance. I learned a thing or two about social magnetism as Matthew brought up the Gestalt theory. I was vaguely familiar with its application in design but had never really pondered its sociological and psychological applications or its theories of social attraction. Points that Matthew had studied. He posed a question, “Could it have had any influence on our meeting this evening?”

I researched it a little post my meeting with Matthew and Monica. Did not delve too deeply into its depth, only took a quick read of ten or so sources, but it was and is a very fascinating theory. Made me think about my influence on the how and why of my friendships, networks, surroundings, and even the lessons learned within Sidewalk Ghosts.

Both Matthew and Monica left me with these words. “We think this meeting is meant to be; the day has led up to it. It has been a great day and meeting up with you seems to be what we have been going towards.” All I knew is when I first saw the two of them; the voice rang in my head. “It’s them you need to talk to.”

Matthew concluded with this (and from his comments, I could tell he was very spiritual), “I put on my ??? beads today” (Matthew, forgive me, I forgot what they were called), “seems they led me here to share my message.”

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Monica, keep smiling and dreaming–Matthew, keep the faith, and kids (even though you are wiser than the aged), thanks for the inspiration!

“Really Listen”

From the archives of Project 365

“My kids like to talk to me, it’s an open-ended dialogue. I’ve learned to not dismiss their thoughts or try to redirect them into what I want to hear.”

For fifty-five days I had openly written about my life, my journeys, and the people I met. Months with much time away from my family, so in getting another occasion to embrace a day with my daughter, sunrise to sunset was a welcomed opportunity.

There is one more level you need to know about my family, we home school.

First off, I need to dismiss one myth: my girl is well socialized, well adjusted, and gives us all the same homework grief that all parents have come to embrace. Why do I share this? It leads to how I met the new friend featured in the story.

Every week there is a group of home school families that gather at a local park—lots of kids, lots of extra-curricular activities, and lots of parents finding time to gather together. I’ll tell you more, but first, I have to expose the truth per the socialization question of homeschooling, the kids are fine. They have all the normal interactions one might expect for youth and teens. There are insecurities, moments of triumph, the fears, the joys, the laughter, and the tears. From toddler to graduate, all the same stuff that happens in school districts from grades to deadlines to athletics, activities, and proms, they are most regular. But I will admit, there is a real socialization problem, and it’s not in reference to the kids. It’s the parents who need to meet people. For many of us spend incredible amounts of time preparing lessons, taking workshops, and being teachers as well as providers and parents. With this, it’s not abnormal that some of us are a bit twitchy, having the tendency to be found isolated with our heads buried in the I hope I can keep up with my kid’s sand trap.

Thus, I humble myself on the stand of this is who I am, and in doing so, I make a most sincere plea. Next time you see one of us homeschooling parents looking a little green around the gills, withdrawn or twitchy, can you buy us a Starbucks. It’s not that we are weird, it’s most likely that it’s just lack of sleep. But, if that does not work, RUN! There are a few crazy homeschoolers out there too. Best to avoid them. (I’m sure I’ll take a few hits for this comment).

It was a very needed day. Time to catch up on daddy/daughter time lost and a break to talk with adults outside of my professional circle—something that, being committed to Sidewalk Ghosts and managing my business affairs, was something I was hungry for.

It was 12:30sh, my daughter and a group of kids were kneeling on a community gym stage, all deeply tuned into a French class. My girl was involved, having fun and learning as I found a little time to chill.

I was not alone as the gym, filled with small cliques of parents, teens, and children, buzzed with motion. I looked around and realized that, although most of the faces were familiar to me, I really did not know many of them. My mind became engaged beyond myself as I paused away from my moment of personal relaxation. Reactivating my quest to know my fellow human I noticed a new face, and positioning myself as a self-appointed member of the welcoming committee, I reached out a hand of fellowship.

They say that water seeks its own level. I found the statement true and engaging as I met my new homeschooling friend, Lena.

Turned out that not only did we have the homeschooling link, but she and her family were also industry folk, her husband being an established lighting designer and gaffer.

We talked of business for a while and that led us into topics of family and the raising of our children. Lena had her priorities in place as she gave me a brief history of her life and of what she deemed important, “I worked for years as a dietician at,” (she unintentionally dropped a few names as to where she had worked, and I realized she was a seriously educated and experienced professional) “but after my first son was born I knew what I needed to do.”

She promptly left her career and dedicated her life to full-time motherhood.

When I first asked her for an interview, she was unsure. “I’m not that interesting, compared to some of the other people you have interviewed. ”An opinion that was so distant from the truth. This project is about everybody, and everybody has a message, I assured her.

Lena thought for a moment, “You don’t have a homeschooling mom, do you?” And being a homeschooling family myself, I was doubly motivated to publish her words. I do not have any homeschooling mothers, and your words matter more than you know, I assured her.

She accepted.

What words of counsel do you have for the world? I asked.

I loved her response, it was so global; a message that all parents should take heed to.

“Spend as much time with your kids as you can, it goes fast. Enjoy it while it lasts. Slow down and listen to them, not half listen, really listen.”

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I swallow hard on that comment. My life was a sprint, not complaining about it, I loved the pace. Yet I knew her statement deeply reflected my mind-set, and having a home office I was at the edge of a double-edged sword. It’s great to be close to family and home, but at times it does seduce me away from family reality. A seducer that often drives me to an attitude that I’m embarrassed to admit. There are precious and irreplaceable moments when my daughter will walk in during business hours with a simple question, and shamefully, I have to accept the reality that I half-listen.

Lena, thanks for the pointer. I have to remember it is no big deal to stop for a minute to fully focus on my child’s question. For everything always seems to work out with business and I’m sure a short break will not crumble my deadlines and goals. I challenge all of us to do the same when we can.

Lena went on, “My kids like to talk to me, it’s an open-ended dialogue. I’ve learned to not dismiss their thoughts or try to redirect them into what I want to hear.”

Now, I think I’m a good dad. My girl loves me, I love her and I do my best to be a good listener. To raise the stakes, having a female child, I’ve learned to listen a lot. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. But this dismiss thing? It goes beyond Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars stuff. We’re talking about my kid and your kid.

Again Lena’s council hit hard. Next time I’m exhausted and want to go to bed, I’m going to think twice before I redirect my daughter’s question to support my sleeping needs. It’s about her and not me at that point.

At the beginning of my talk with Lena, she said, “I’m not that interesting.”

Lena, I disagree. Your words strike deep and are meaningful. Your calling is grand. Parenthood is a most noble of acts and you are at the top of your game. Thanks for helping me with my Dad check.

Reid, knock’em dead in LV!

From the archives of Project 365

Wisdom, that after racing behind him for a quarter of an hour, through our small talk and witnessed in the courage he seemed to have in pursuing his dreams, I saw a story much deeper than any we could have shared in words.

My heart was broken. A post-interview experience I will soon publish in an upcoming book that addresses a set of perspectives for bettering the way we view and treat one another. So stay tuned, I’ll update you as soon as it is released. But for the purpose of this story, it’s better to set the stage in sharing onboard travel experience I had sitting next to a most charming Italian couple; beautiful dancer Giorgia and her very gracious husband, musician Giorgio. I could not have asked for better travel mates for a five-hour flight.

We talked about stories of the strangers I had met and of the lessons taught over the previous fifty-three. But as tired as we were, and in compassion to them, we passed on taking any pictures. Plus, I needed to allow them their in-flight sleep time. The right thing to do in allowing them their privacy and respect to the eight hours of flight time from their homeland; and to top that off, I had already photographed a friend of the day, Reid.

_L2R3701Reid and I ran into each other as we were scurrying to a reassigned airport gate. Sounded simple enough at first as the gate agent instructed, “It’s just around the corner, Gate C-29.” For geographical point-of-reference, Reid and I were standing at B-11.

Off we went as instructed, Just around to corner. Boy, I love airports! Around the corner? Seriously?

Well, just around the corner ended up being a distance I could only explain in terms of landing strip geometry. Specifically, Holy Hanna! It zigzagged hallways longer than the length of runway required to land a Boing 747.

Travel experience and fatigue seemed to be a perfect linking point as Reid and I matched speed in attacking a mother of all airport hikes. Myself with forty-five pounds of shoulder strapped camera backpack and Reid bearing a bag the size of himself. The guy was a rock. I thought I was a fast walker, but Reid was almost uncatchable as he began to break away from me. Fast and relentless he was and all I could do was bear down in increasing my stride to stay up. With one arm on the steering controls of an airport chair and the other holding heavy luggage in his lap, he was my saving grace as I submitted to his speed. Like a trailblazer, he was quick and agile as he navigated a path through passenger-loaded thoroughfares. Reid, I will always be grateful for the tow. You got us there on time. I owe you one!

As we raced to our reassigned departure, I invited him to be interviewed. He was willing, but due to the gate change, we were both uncertain as to if we could make it happen. And above that, we needed to settle a little business prior to boarding. Myself an anticipated phone call and Reid crunched to get stand-by arrangements worked out. But we gave it a hero’s push. Shifted our speed into overdrive, and after fifteen minutes of walk and talk, sweat dripping off my brow, we slowed at C-29.

A welcoming sight it was, and even though the sitting area was packed, the line at the counter was minimal. Oh, I forgot to tell you, Reid was highly intelligent, extroverted, and witty, so it took him about a second to scoot right up to the agent, and in no time he had his ticket in hand.

No waiting room seating was to be had. I snuggled up against an architectural column and arranged my stuff in anticipation of getting a brief moment with Reid.

The pre-boarding call rang out, yet still, we managed to find time for an extremely rushed interview and a few photos.

Here are a few details.

  • Reid had a Bachelor of Science Degree in Paleontology and was working on his Masters.
  • He was traveling to Las Vegas as an invited presenter at a leading Paleontology Convention.
  • One day he would be working as the curator of fossil exhibits at a leading museum (he expressed this to me as a goal, but somehow I already saw him in the role).

We literally grabbed five minutes to shoot a couple photos as he shared words we’ve come to know well, “Never give up!”

Wisdom, that after racing behind him for a quarter of an hour, through our small talk and witnessed in the courage he seemed to have in pursuing his dreams, I saw a story much deeper than any we could have shared in words.

Nothing could stall Reid, and I was all the better of a person for having time with him.

We stood side-by-side as we entered the aircraft, and as we separated to our seats, I smiled that have a great flight nod, all the while going through my mind, “Reid, knock’em dead in LV!”

He smiled back and disappeared into his seat.

The Snore Storm

From the archives of Project 365

“If I die tomorrow, my funeral will take three days, so that all of my friends can attend.”

It was the day I traveled to the interview I mentioned in the previous story. Can’t say I was comfortably en route, rather I was sitting cramped at some thirty thousand feet. Trapped in a plane with no idea of whom I would photograph. I did have a short conversation with the flight crew, but no takers. Had to give them credit for what they did in making us all comfortable, but they were not that interested in anything more. And to top things off, seated across the row from me, was the Snore Man.

Please, snorers of the world; do not be offended. Trust me, I’m in your camp. Have wailed a note or two in my R.E.M hours. But truly, this was no normal snore. It was superhuman and of epic proportions.

Let me see if I can communicate the sound in writing. A kaleidoscope of varying volume, that to this day, lives as a symphony of guttural wavelengths burned in my memory. Each escaping breath, trapped inhale, and rolling choke echoing upon me from an author who, with eyes closed, sat only three feet from my left ear. As all passengers do, I tried to tune out the noise. To stay in my zone, not looking toward the originator of such a sizable display of unconscious talent. The curiosity was too strong to overcome. Yet, a morbid want to get a visual take had sucked me in. So I peaked to the left and as soon as I did, the performance ceased. Seemed my timing was somewhat off when as my stare engaged with his, I got my first response from the man who by then I respected as an artist in his own right. An athlete of breath, a human to be acknowledged as having a gift, and as slapstick, as I’m being in setting the stage, the moment our eyes locked, I think I was as embarrassed as he. I felt my face turning a little red, but gentleman he was as he fell back to sleep as fast as he awoke.

I reclined back into my seat, and with no relief given from the airline provided earbuds, I focused my hearing on the whir of jet engines. In the end, a tactic that lessoned the full impact of the snore storm that was floating my way.

The sky got bumpy, the last approach announcement sounded. Time to stow my laptop had arrived. I made my last few keystrokes in recording the above account as a lull in the gasping sleep subsided. With each word, the final charge to shut down electronics so near, I sped up my writing in a desire to log all I could.

“Flight attendants, please secure the cabin for arrival. ”The captain’s voice came over the intercom. And as it did, I entered these last thoughts, all the while already hoping to find a stranger-now-friend en route to my hotel. Then the last slap came. Like a pinpointed and targeted ear jab it hit me with a final choking exhale, &!%!*(@!!arg-chug-chchca!!! I didn’t even know how to spell such a sound.

I arrived at the hotel, and after nine hours of travel, I had managed to let go of my snore induced jitters. At least, enough to find my new friend for the day; the happiest faces I’d seen all day, Felicia and Fred, the front desk team at the Conshohocken Hampton Inn.

From the moment I walked into the hotel their welcome to the world attitude and exceptional customer service made me want to move my family to Philadelphia. In other stories, I’ll tell you why that never happened.

We chatted for a while and, despite how tired and travel grumpy I was, I walked away with a smile on my face.

Fred, an aspiring business owner to be; told me his dream to own an arts and crafts store. And being artistic myself, I could understand his desires. We talked of product and his history as a Philly native. His advice for us all, “Never give up on your dreams, keep trying until they are a reality.” A message we’ve heard from so many in past interviewees.

What could I say about Felicia, the second of the two new friends? First off, Her energy was huge. My snapshot of her did not fully capture the excitement she had for life. It was undeniable that this lady was special.

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Felicia, a thirty-year hospitality veteran, expanded on Fred’s point of about never giving up on your dreams, saying, “If you feel inspired to do something, do it! No matter how difficult or crazy, follow it!”

“I love what I am doing; every day I get to smile at a new person.” A statement proven to me through being the recipient of her smile.

A few minutes speaking with Felicia forced me to think about the moment, and in doing so, to let go of the frustration of my interrupted flight. Her position on living, “If I had to live to this point over again, I would not change a thing.” We should all aim for this mind-set.

Without probing for answers, she continued, “My life is graceful and peaceful with not much drama. Overall it has been good to me. I love where I am.”

We conversed a little more about that point. I asked her to clarify what she meant. “I’m not talking about career or status, I’m talking about where I am mentally, physically, and spiritually.”

Felicia had lots of friends, many of whom she had met easily by just sharing her signature smile and honest “hello.” She joked, “If I die tomorrow, my funeral will take three days so that all of my friends can attend.”

As we wrap up our interview, I asked for any last thoughts. Her parting words, simple and sweet, “I like everybody!”

Felicia, Fred, thanks for the warm welcome!

What Would Jesus Do?

From the archives of Project 365

“...have fun, but don’t live recklessly, for yourself or others. Focus on doing good, because what if it is your time and you’re not living up to your potential or doing bad things. You don’t want to go out that way. You want to be remembered for what good you did. Make your mom, dad and people proud.”

It was not the leisurely Sunday I had hoped for, the next day flying out to the East Coast for a rather life-changing interview (an account I may reveal in future essays). So once again, my family was taking a hit, and on that particular day, it was the first time I saw real stress on their faces. I didn’t blame them; after all, it was certainly a failed daddy-daughter week, for I had to miss Halloween night with my girl. In the spirit of transparency, it really was a sad day for me. Still, under it all, we knew I had to finish the commitment I had made.

There I was sitting at my computer preparing for the interview ahead. Eyes focused on the screen, I didn’t even know what time it was. Then a feeling hit me, “Get up! Grab your camera and go outside, NOW!”

Twenty feet from my front door I heard laughter on the horizon. I walked to the corner to scope where it was coming from. It was Aaron, the cool young man I interviewed a few weeks earlier as he walked with his girlfriend Tatiana. We exchanged casual talk and Tatiana said, “I’ve been hoping to run into you, your project is really cool.” I instantly knew she was the reason I’d been pulled from my desk. She was, without hesitation, ready to be part of Sidewalk Ghosts.

Big deal you may say, you ran into an introduction. But I preferred to look at is this way, It was meant to be. When I began this project, it was just an idea. However, at fifty-two days in, and forgive me if I sound a bit spiritual or metaphysical, it had become a calling. There had been too many encounters that connected in some way or another. Either by message or by situation, things like: People who linked to my family, friend related to other friends, or very personal and unspoken questions being answered by a person who without any knowledge of who I was, shined a light upon me. In less than three months I could clearly see stories weave together in telling a tale of hope, strength, and humanity. Every week propelled in an uncharted journey to a deeper unity with the world as a readership grew beyond my expectations. I had no idea where I was going, but I was down for the ride.

So on that stressed-out Sunday, I welcomed the opportunity to interview Tatiana, even if she was standing directly next to a past stranger-now-friend. To me, she was still a stranger, and our meeting was not by chance.

I jumped right in, “What words of council do you want to share with my readers?”

She was very thoughtful. “I want to be careful with what I say,” she prefaced, “this answer seems so obvious, but it needs to be understood. Everyone says it, but I look at it in a different way. People say, ‘live every day like it is your last.’  True, we need to enjoy life. It’s more than that though. It’s really not about partying or having a good time. It’s greater than that. What if today really is your last day? Are you ready? You’re gonna be judged.”

Tatiana wore her faith on her arm. A Tattoo, that written in Hebrew read, What Would Jesus Do?

_L2R3632Tatiana made the above statement, with no malice, no guile, and void of any judgmental hypocrisy. Her tone was youthful, laughing, and kind, yet there was a knowing peace that radiated through her posture. And by her countenance, I could tell she lived by her words. Tatiana was not dressed in religious uniform or overly conservative. Just a young lady; quite normal, quite charming, and quite inspiring as she did her best to simply be a good person. Not just to herself, but to others as well.

She expanded her council, “Have fun but don’t live recklessly, for yourself or others. Focus on doing good, because what if it is your time and you’re not living up to your potential or doing bad things. You don’t want to go out that way. You want to be remembered for what good you did. Make your mom, dad, and people proud.

Her dreams were pure and noble, go to culinary school, marry, have a family, and open a catering company.

Tatiana had inspired me. Left me healed of my morning stress, as once again, I accepted the notion that I was being led by something above my overly intellectual and very imperfect self. A statement I share in humility and openhearted exposure of my life. I throw it your way by no means of arm twisting or grandstanding. A premise that is up to you to accept, or reject, regarding the reason I was snapped away from my desk at the exact moment she passed by my home. For me, it was real, and my gut tells me I was meant to interview Tatiana that day.

Sunday, a day of spiritual renewal and worship for many, and because of that, perhaps there was hidden meaning in why I was driven to write this entry.

All I can say is this, Tatiana was on the right path and it was refreshing to meet a young woman with her perspective toward living and faith. Again, and fully,I was, and am, inspired.

Tatiana, may all your dreams come true.

“It’s Totally Rad”

From the archives of Project 365

...more than an emerging artisan; she was a community activist.

It was a Saturday afternoon. Fifty-one days since my commitment to interview a stranger and publish a story for 365 consecutive days. Lucky that my family had been patient toward a project that was still in its infancy as they sacrificed their time with me. A goal that at almost three months into the commitment had created quite a few conflicts regarding our daily living; yet throughout all, they remained so very supportive. Even threw me out of the house on days I wanted to give up, and it was only the beginning of Sidewalk Ghosts. Seems surreal when I reflect back to the fact that I am now almost nine years into the project.

With this admission, I also have to note, that from time-to-time, and in fairness to finding family time, there were days I summarized my writings. For that reason, and keeping as true as I can in revising these essays, I’ll simply bullet-point how I meet a stranger-now-friend, Myly.

7:00 am – Alarm sounded.
7:01 am – Hit ten-minute snooze (or so I thought).
8:15 am – Awoke and hour of schedule.
8:30 am – Sprinted out the front door with family.
8:32 am – Embarked on a drive to teach spinning.
8:55 am – Arrived at the gym (class starting at 9:00 am).
9:00 am – Class grimaced at the sight of me dressed as Little Miss Muffet (it was Halloween).
9:05 am – Realized the ladies dug a man in a tutu and that men were inspired by my courage.
9:10 am – Kicked into high gear for one hour of pedaling euphoria.
10:00 am – Class ended. Hung out in front of the gym waiting for wife and daughter to pick me up.
10:30 am – Approached cool deaf dude. He rejected me and left the area.
10:30 to 11:30 am – Licked my wounds as I chatted with gym friends.
11:50 am – Family grabbed me and we drove to Farmers’ market.
12:30 pm – Met Myly.

 

Part artistic dreamer, part entrepreneur, and master of community outreach, Myly was full of energy. For an hour we spoke of the past and future of the Canoga Park art and culture scene. There was no loss of enthusiasm in her council to all, “Don’t settle. Find what you are passionate about and go for it!” A thought that I’m sure we have all entertained.

Myly lived what she preached as she referenced her recent layoff of employment, “I was freaked at first, but then I realized it was a gift.”

She had not looked back.

“As a child, I always collected things” and as she described them, it was easy to see they were not just things, but treasures to her. Objects of all sorts, each one special part of a collection she reused to feed her artistic self. By her reveal, “I’ve never thought of myself as an artist, but more of a business person.”

We talked of her childhood and her remembrance of, at a very young age, selling necklaces that she made from other people’s discards. Telling me, “I never dreamed that I would one day be supporting myself with the stuff I make. It’s totally rad.”

But Myly was more than an emerging artisan; she was a community activist. In such, she was part of organizing an art walk; and as we hit this conversation point, the topic turned away from herself and toward the local businesses. “Before we started the Art Walk there were many vacant buildings on Sherman Way” (the street that hosted the art walk), “but the event is reshaping the visibility of the area and now many of the empty spaces are slowly filling with new businesses: several thrift shops, art galleries, restaurants, boutiques, and performance venues. We are only just starting the outreach and the community is responding to it.”

Quickly a job title came to my mind, “Myly,” I said, “I title you, Leader of the Community Brigade.” She smiled and expanded on the title. “My goal is to turn this farmers’ market into an artistic destination.”

I asked Myly of her dreams?

“One day I want to have a storefront loft space. Upstairs will by my place to dwell. Downstairs will be for you, with a gallery, shopping, coffee/tea bar, and cool place to hang out at night.”

Prologue
Now nine years since the day I met Myly, Vintage Grime is no more and I have lost track of her whereabouts. Another testament to the fragility of the artistic livelihood; and a reminder to us all, that behind every artistic work (and I’m not referring to mass-produced products and decorations), is a valued creator. A person who most likely is risking much to stay true to a very personal vision or higher purpose and Myly was one such individual.

But there is no want of remorse or regret, for in her words, and in upholding her honorary title, Leader of the Community Brigade, she has left her legacy. For on the third Thursday of every month, on the very streets where we met, hundreds gather in appreciating and forwarding art and culture. Now in its eighth year, The Canoga Park Artwalk is alive and thriving.

She smiled and expanded on the title. “My goal is to turn this farmers’ market into an artistic destination.”

Myly. You have truly given much.

“Know The Sins / Do The Opposite”

From the archives of Project 365

“Be nice to strangers, and do your part to make the world a better place.”

From left to right: Shane, Saya, and Kevin

Not far down the road from where I live is a yearly tradition. A family fun destination, that, as fast as it is set up, it disappears. A brightly lit and musically backed event which, appearing in a local parking lot, draws families and individuals of all perspectives and histories to its surface. A frozen mixing pot that, for a few dollars, puts people of all shapes and sizes shoulder to shoulder for smiles and laughter. Year after year, I’d driven past it, always saying to myself, one day I’d take my family ice skating, California style.

On October 29, 2011, I found myself driving by the rink. As I passed, and in its proven tone, the voice inside me sounded its alarm, “Stop there, now!” I’d learned to trust its strangely subtle call. A diving rod of sorts, it had directed me to many welcoming and unique individuals; and after fifty days of getting to know it, I had accepted the feeling that wherever it pointed me, I followed.

So it sounded, “Stop there, now!” And I listened. Not knowing why, and not certain if I would interview anyone, I obediently followed. Some nights it pointed me to an accepting interview, others on a path of rejection. Yet, every time I humbled myself to it, it ultimately led me to meet a compelling person. So on that night, I was as uncertain as always as to the course I was about to embark on. The question always in the back of my mind, “Is this tonight’s starting point or an endpoint?”

I admit I felt horribly selfish making my first visit to the ice skating rink without my family. But I had to trust the prompting. Hence, without question, without self-justification, without thought of location or timing, I just went.

Entering the complex and to the cashier, I asked, “How much to skate?” I was directed to a sign: $15 for adults, $12 for children.

The place was busy, and leaning on the rules of interview etiquette that I had formed, I readied myself to move on. Thinking it would have been inconsiderate to interrupt these kids at work. I turned away from the counter and set stride to depart, but the alarm sounded louder. “You must invite them!”

I was glad I listened.

Throughout this project, I have been led to some of the greatest youth. From kids that scared me at first to kids who were at the top of their game. Most impressive was that the majority had shared words beyond their years, each leaving me with this distinct impression; the future is in good hands.

And on that night in October 2011, a temporary winter wonderland had put me in contact with three more of a select generation, Shane, Saya, and Kevin. Each one a great young adult, each with wise perspectives, each with hope for what’s to come, and each with well-grounded maturity in what they claimed.

We spent about an hour talking: A little bit of sharing as a group and some one-on-one Q&A. Here is a compilation of their wisdom:

“Be nice to strangers, and do your part to make the world a better place.”
“Learn about the deadliest sins and do the opposite.”
“Be courteous to others, its common sense.”
“People can be selfish, so learn to share.”
“Say thank you.”
“Be the first to open doors for others.”
“Take care of the environment.”
“Be spontaneous.”
“Don’t overthink, things always work out.”
“Take risk, follow dreams, no regrets.”
“There is a lesson in all we do, good experience and bad experience, it’s all about a positive perspective.”
“Stay open to new things.”
“Don’t live with what-ifs, there is always a way back.”
“There is a positive answer to every situation, don’t allow yourself to get trapped in the negative.”

I had again been put in the right place, at the right time, and with the right people. Brought to a destination where I could rub shoulders with the future as I met a trio of passionate future leaders. Three young adults who individually and combined gave us a most precious set of wisdom.

What I choose to not publish are a few very personal life issues they shared. Events I assure you had gained them their bragging rights. So in honor of their privacy, and after spending time with them, I assure you they had earned the right to be respected; and I consider it part of my job to not exploit their life stories. But, this I will say, they understood where they were going, had accepted what they had been through, knew who they were, and had a good grasp of what was important. How many of us can say the same?